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The Intersection of ADHD, Trauma, and the Fear of Permanence: Navigating Object Loss with Self-Compassion

  • Writer: Lillyana Morales
    Lillyana Morales
  • Feb 18
  • 4 min read

Navigating life with ADHD comes with unique challenges, particularly around the concept of object constancy—the understanding that things still exist even when not seen. For many, this struggle is not just about forgetting keys or missing appointments. It's an emotional journey deeply intertwined with past trauma. The fear of losing what matters can be overwhelming, especially for those grappling with ADHD. This post aims to explore how these experiences intersect and provide ways to navigate them with kindness toward oneself.


Understanding Object Constancy(or Permanence) in ADHD


Understanding object constancy in ADHD is often misunderstood. Many individuals with ADHD experience time as “Now” and “Not Now.” This means if something is not in sight, it can feel like it no longer exists. For instance, a passion for painting might fade if the materials are put away for a while. This can result in lost motivation and a sense of distance from something that once brought joy.


In relationships, this dynamic can create fear and anxiety. If contact with a friend has been limited, one might feel that the bond is fragile or even fading. A study indicated that individuals with ADHD are more likely to experience anxiety about social relationships, with about 40% reporting feelings of social inadequacy. Recognizing these feelings is essential, as they highlight how ADHD can affect not just everyday tasks but emotional connections too.


Trauma's Layered Influence on Permanent Loss


Trauma adds another layer of complexity to the challenges of ADHD. Individuals who have experienced relational trauma, such as abandonment or neglect, may constantly worry about losing important connections. Their past experiences teach their minds that safety is uncertain and that they may lose loved ones unexpectedly.


This heightened awareness of potential loss can trigger intense emotional reactions. When a loved one is absent, feelings like panic and guilt may emerge. Common thoughts might be, “Did I say something wrong?” or “Will they come back?” These concerns often intertwine with shame, creating a cycle that feeds into anxiety. Research indicates that over 50% of adults with ADHD report having had a traumatic experience, exacerbating these feelings and concerns.


The Emotional Rollercoaster of Absence


When faced with absence, individuals can feel as though they are riding an emotional rollercoaster. The ADHD brain may push thoughts of “Not Now” to the side, yet past trauma can reignite insecurity and instability. What once felt like a solid relationship may suddenly feel precarious.


This fear is grounded in reality. For those with significant emotional trauma, the fear that absence means loss can feel deeply rooted. The combination of ADHD's impulsivity and trauma's lingering effects can lead to overwhelming anxiety and cycles of negative thinking.


Cultivating Self-Compassion in the Face of Fear


To navigate these turbulent feelings, starting with self-compassion is crucial. Acknowledging that anxiety arises from ADHD and trauma allows for a gentler approach to one's emotions. Instead of feeling guilty for experiencing anxiety, recognize these feelings as valid and part of the journey.


Incorporating daily mindfulness practices can help bring awareness to the present moment, thus reducing intrusive thoughts about potential loss. Reflective journaling is another powerful tool; it allows individuals to express fears and emotions in a non-judgmental space. Simple affirmations like “I am deserving of love” can support positive self-reflection and personal growth.


Strategies for Managing ADHD and Trauma-Related Anxiety


  1. Create Visual Reminders: Use physical reminders, like calendars or sticky notes, to reinforce the presence of important people and tasks. These can help counter the tendency to forget, making connections more tangible.


  2. Establish Regular Check-Ins: Set up consistent times to reconnect with loved ones. A simple text or phone call can ease feelings of separation and enhance emotional security.


  3. Engage in Grounding Techniques: When anxiety peaks, grounding exercises can be helpful. Focus on breathing, touch objects nearby, or listen to calming music to anchor yourself in the present.


  4. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people who understand the challenges associated with ADHD and trauma. Sharing feelings with trusted friends or mental health professionals can provide a sense of belonging and reassurance.


Redefining Relationships and Connections


Revisiting how we approach relationships can foster deeper understanding. Openly discussing feelings of absence with loved ones can strengthen bonds. Explaining feelings of discomfort during periods of absence can yield reassurance and understanding. Encouraging loved ones to send reminders of their presence—whether through messages, shared moments, or simply knowing when to give space—can significantly enhance feelings of stability and connection.


Understanding the Journey of Healing


Healing from trauma and managing ADHD is a lifelong journey; it unfolds gradually and unpredictably. Embracing the idea that it is okay to feel anxious about loss is an essential part of this process.



Embracing the Complexity of Experience


While the intersection of ADHD, trauma, and the fear of loss comes with substantial challenges, it also opens doors for understanding and compassion. By adopting a trauma-informed mindset, individuals can navigate their emotional landscapes with clarity.


Recognizing that these struggles arise from complex experiences empowers individuals to treat themselves with kindness. Self-compassion, paired with actionable strategies for managing anxiety and nurturing connections, transforms the journey of navigating object constancy into an opportunity for healing and personal growth.


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